Kayla

My body has changed a lot over the years; I was always really small when I was a kid. I was physically active in high school - marching band (I was co-captain of the flag team), saxophone in jazz band. When I was young, if I messed up, things were just withdrawn; I remember one time I ate the last ice cream sandwich, and my mom's partner said, "You're the most selfish person I've ever met. It's clear you don't love me." So I'm hypervigilant, like if I mess up this person won't love me anymore. ⠀
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I had a high-risk pregnancy, and it was really rough. That was the hardest time for me struggling with body dysmorphia; I wasn't with a good partner, and he was really critical of my body — he was all about having a baby until I was pregnant. I just felt sick and uncomfortable, both physically and psychologically. I couldn't sleep, I had to do lots of tests every week, and even my skin tone was grey. I was disappointed in my body and people's reactions to it.⠀
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I'm still getting used to my body. I have visual in my head of how I look, and it's still how I used to look — I still have little freakout moments where I see myself in the mirror or in a picture, and it's like... that's me? I can't wear slim shirts because I have boobs now. I'm most insecure about the belly part.⠀
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But, I'm trying to be more proud of it. I have wonderful partners, and they keep me grounded if I'm feeling insecure. I know that my body doesn't prevent me from having great relationships or from doing any of the things I love doing.