Maddie

It was my first serious relationship — it lasted four years, on and off. ⠀
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It's been a couple of years now, but I have PTSD. It's really interesting how that brought out other trauma, like from my childhood. It was mostly emotional, but there were a few times he got physical. He even cut himself and told me it was my fault. His parents were mad that I called an ambulance, because it cost money. When I left him, he said, "My dad used to hit my mom, and they're the happiest they've ever been." I looked him right in the eyes and said, "I'm not your f***** mom."⠀
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I learned how to stand up for myself, what I won't put up with, what I deserve. I learned how to identify lots of red flags. I worked at DVIS, which was a huge part of my healing process. ⠀
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Sometimes I see people's bodies who look like mine and I think "omg their body is so gorgeous!" but when I see myself, it's like... "Why are you like this?" I feel like I'm in that weird space between "model" size and plus-size, so it seems like there's no audience for my body — "you're shaped like a boy, but you're soft!" ⠀
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But, I've gotten to a better place with my body neutrality, with my healing. I really wanted to get to a place where my body was working for me, the same way I look at my PTSD — kind of like an overprotective parent.